were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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