so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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