So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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