Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
