would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
