I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
