Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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