No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
