I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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