Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
