break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Watching her eat just hurts me
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I have aggressive nipples.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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