I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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