well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
