My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
