apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
