Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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