I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
