Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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