If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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