Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
that's an acceptable place to lick
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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