My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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