I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I see more hoeing in ur future
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
