I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
