All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
