i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
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