why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
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