you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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