i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
