So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
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he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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