Plan B is the new Plan A
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
