You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
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If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
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they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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