do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
