i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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