The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
My friends, they love my intelligence
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
