Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
