My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
