How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
