HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
