Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
