Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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