just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
