i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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