god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
