just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
