I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
