Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Found your dick twin last night
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
