We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
