I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
