you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
