I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
