Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Randomize
