I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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