Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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