her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Randomize
