Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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