i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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